One Week Remaining

Truth: I'm in a very weird, uncomfortable place in my brain and heart. It's not a bad place. It has taught me a lot. But I am more than ready to move from this place.

I'm not sure I can fully explain all the things that run through my mind each day. I do trust my Jesus. I know that the plan for our family is the perfect one. I can grasp that there is a much bigger picture that I can't see right now. I trust Him. He loves me. He loves my family. And He loves precious K. I really do trust Him.

And at the same time, I'm in this space that leaves me without words to say to my Jesus. I don't know what to pray. Prayer, for me, is a constant conversation. I'm talking to God all the time. (And yes, I know that my non-Christian friends are currently wondering about my sanity.) But when it comes to talking about the current situation with K, I don't have words. I know what my heart is longing for. I know what my perfect scenario looks like. I know what I want. I know how I want this story to end. Yet, I'm afraid to pray about my desires. I'm scared that it sounds selfish to beg God for what I want. Is that somehow telling Him what to do?  See! It's a weird place to be.

I said before that I was going to pray specifically. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I know that I need to be specific again. He already knows the desires of my heart. He's not going to be surprised when I talk to Him about them.

Did you read that? 'May God grant your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans."

But that's not the best part! Granting my heart's desire would be fabulous. I would love to have all my plans fulfilled. Yet that's not the part of those verses that catches my eye. It's the part in the middle. 'May we shout for JOY when we hear of your victory... flying banners to honor God.'

I don't know what will happen a week from tomorrow. It scares me. My heart is so attached to this little boy that I've never met. Lord, I LOVE HIM. When I think about K, it's hard to catch my breath. There's a place saved for him in our family. His bed is ready.

And if the Lord chooses to answer my heart's desire and fulfill all my plans for K, I hope my friends will join me in shouting for JOY and honoring God for what HE has done.

*Another moment of truth: If the answer is no, my heart is going to hurt. While I know it's God's will, that doesn't change the feeling of loss that I am already preparing myself for. It won't change my faith. But it will hurt. Please be gentle with me if things go that direction. I'll still be honoring God for what He has chosen for our family, but I will also be seeking His comfort.*

Ups and Downs

I have waited MONTHS to sign in and see the status change from 'available' to 'on-hold'! It makes all of this just a little bit more real.

And after months of seeing this picture every time I sign in:

It sure is nice to know that there appears to be an end in sight.

The current timeline:

March 25th: Committee- This happens with every adoption from foster care. The state picks up to 3 families that they feel are a good fit for the child. Caseworkers for each family sit with the caseworker of the child for a 4ish hour conversation to make a decision on the best fit. If our family is selected at Committee, then we will go on to a second round that isn't the norm.

March 31st: Round 2. K's Grandmother has her day in court. If the court rules against her, K can go into his adoptive placement ASAP.

Confused? Me too. It's a roller coaster and we're just along for the ride.

Breathe.

The current goal is to breathe.


We just received an email from the caseworker. It took my breath away. Committee will either be scheduled for March 17th or 24th (both great dates. Not as soon as I had hoped, but still this month. That's exciting!)


But from there, we hit a little problem. K's grandmother (whom he is very attached to) is fighting the adoption. She wants custody of K. I can't blame her. But that's hard news to process.

On March 31st, there will be a court hearing in which K's grandmother will be attempting to have K removed from the custody of DHS. If the State "wins" this case, the adoption placement can happen as of April 1st. I'm not even sure how to pray on this one. How do I hope that his grandma doesn't get him? That seems so wrong.

I'm still praying that we'll have him for Spring Break. Maybe that doesn't mean we'll have him in our home yet. I don't know.  I trust God's plan and it hit me very clearly this morning that if it's decided that K is not coming into our home, God has his hand in that 100%. Maybe it is His way of protecting our family. I have to trust that.


But, oh my goodness, I want this child in our family. 

Asking Big Things

I have made the heart decision to pray more specifically for the adoption process and for K. For my friends who talk to God, I would be honored if you would also lift up these requests.

*That committee would be on or before March 14th, 2014. (This seems highly unlikely, but my God has done bigger things.)

*That K's heart would be prepared for a transition- whether to us or another family. (But preferably to us.)

*That a little boy named K would be in our home by the first day of Spring Break.

Progress!

Happy

Dance!!

It's a small step, but we'll take any forward step at this point.

A request for a committee has FINALLY been made. 

Our caseworker expects a date to be set for sometime in March.

(Committee is where up to 3 families are presented and a decision

is made as to which family would be the best fit for the child.

It's approximately a four hour process.)

Yay!!

(P.S. A boy that I haven't yet met has a spot waiting for him in

1st grade. That was a weird registration form to fill out.)

It's All For a Reason

I don't cry easily. (well... Other than surprise homecoming and pregnancy announcement videos on YouTube.) Crying gives me a headache. And truthfully, crying makes me feel weak.

I made it this far into the adoption process with some tears... But no full sob fests

Until now.

I just sat in the car and did the loud, ugly face cry. It wasn't a pretty moment. I'm thankful no one witnessed it.

This waiting is so hard on my heart. I KNOW there's a reason. I totally get that this is all part of the plan. But this human heart that God gave me is so sad. What set it off today? Today was the first day of registration at the school I hope to send K to (if he doesn't have needs that would require something more). After registration this morning, there's 1 spot left in first grade. One.

I wanted to be registering my little guy today.

I'm so sad. Still hopeful, but sad.

The P Word

The P Word.

That thing that everyone tells you not to pray for.

The last few months has been a huge test of it.

Patience. I knew an adoption could take a while, but I had no idea how incredibly slowly the wheels would turn. I had this idea in my head that since we weren't seeking a newborn, things would move faster. Silly, silly me.

There's still hope. Things still look positive. But there's currently no end in sight. No dates have been set and no one knows when that may happen.  And in the meantime, there's a 6 year old boy in NE Salem who is waiting for his forever family.

Steve and I pray for K every night. We pray that he is protected and loved. We pray that he'll end up in the family that God has already chosen. We pray that this process will somehow go smoother. It brings tears to my eyes every time. Hearing Steve say his name hits my heart in a weird way.

At dinner tonight, Gabe prayed for K, too. This wait is hard on all of us. Yet we all know that God's timing is absolutely perfect.

Signed:
Hopeful in South Salem