I'm not sure I can fully explain all the things that run through my mind each day. I do trust my Jesus. I know that the plan for our family is the perfect one. I can grasp that there is a much bigger picture that I can't see right now. I trust Him. He loves me. He loves my family. And He loves precious K. I really do trust Him.
And at the same time, I'm in this space that leaves me without words to say to my Jesus. I don't know what to pray. Prayer, for me, is a constant conversation. I'm talking to God all the time. (And yes, I know that my non-Christian friends are currently wondering about my sanity.) But when it comes to talking about the current situation with K, I don't have words. I know what my heart is longing for. I know what my perfect scenario looks like. I know what I want. I know how I want this story to end. Yet, I'm afraid to pray about my desires. I'm scared that it sounds selfish to beg God for what I want. Is that somehow telling Him what to do? See! It's a weird place to be.
I said before that I was going to pray specifically. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I know that I need to be specific again. He already knows the desires of my heart. He's not going to be surprised when I talk to Him about them.
Did you read that? 'May God grant your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans."
But that's not the best part! Granting my heart's desire would be fabulous. I would love to have all my plans fulfilled. Yet that's not the part of those verses that catches my eye. It's the part in the middle. 'May we shout for JOY when we hear of your victory... flying banners to honor God.'
I don't know what will happen a week from tomorrow. It scares me. My heart is so attached to this little boy that I've never met. Lord, I LOVE HIM. When I think about K, it's hard to catch my breath. There's a place saved for him in our family. His bed is ready.
And if the Lord chooses to answer my heart's desire and fulfill all my plans for K, I hope my friends will join me in shouting for JOY and honoring God for what HE has done.
*Another moment of truth: If the answer is no, my heart is going to hurt. While I know it's God's will, that doesn't change the feeling of loss that I am already preparing myself for. It won't change my faith. But it will hurt. Please be gentle with me if things go that direction. I'll still be honoring God for what He has chosen for our family, but I will also be seeking His comfort.*
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