Little Boys

"Boys will be boys...."

That quote. So often said will a little sigh at the end. It covers all parts that we see as being characteristically "boy." Dirty. Loud. Willing to share every bodily function. Busy. Wild. 

Boys will be boys.

I'm raising a little guy who is all boy. The only problem is the 'boys will be boys' idea has been used as an excuse for behavior. How can we expect anything different? He's a boy. Of course we laugh when he does that. He's just being a boy.

Boys will be boys isn't an excuse.

It's a reason for grace.

Yes, my little guy is loud and dirty and likes to "toot" on my lap. I'm sure he picks his nose when I'm not looking. He finds it funny to burp extra loud and he leaves a trail of toys and dirty clothes behind him.   ...And I get the amazing job of showing extreme amounts of grace to him. 

I'm not raising a little boy. I'm raising a man who will be a husband, a father, an employee. 

And oh my goodness. I love every dirty, loud piece of him

Our Reality

Once upon a time... There was a mom and a dad who had two big kids. But this mom and dad really, really, really wanted another little boy. This mom and dad looked, and looked, and looked for their little boy. They knew they would know him as soon as they found him, but they couldn't find him anywhere!

One day, they saw a picture of a little boy named Kaden. They just KNEW this was their little boy. But they had to wait and wait and wait before they finally got to meet him. As soon as they saw him for the first time, they were absolutely sure that this little boy was the son they had been looking for.

They took him home and promised to love him forever and ever. They would love him when he made good choices. They would love him when he made bad choices. They would love him for EVER. And Kaden would never have to leave their family again.

This is our story. Kaden has heard it repeatedly. He heard it today when the tears were flowing because he had gotten in trouble... and life is never fair when you're a kid. Our normal is a constant reminder that this isn't another foster home that he'll have to leave. It's forever and ever. (He currently says he's going to live here until he dies. And if he gets married... well, his wife can just move in, too.)

BrainDead

The only relevant test of the validity of a hypothesis is 

comparison of prediction with experience.

Milton Friedman

Yeah, I don't know what that quote means either. It was the first one that popped up when I googled 'comparison quote.' I'm sure the quote makes perfect sense, but I'm so far past exhausted that my brain can't comprehend it at all.

Friends, my new child may be 6 years old, but age means nothing when it comes to adoption. It's almost like adding a newborn to the house... with a few minor differences.

Newborn comes home to a place you have been preparing for the past 9 months. Furniture is set up. Clothing is purchased (if sex is known).  Showers may have already taken place. Parents know they're in for a potential of a serious lack of sleep over the next few months. Words of advice come from everyone. There are weeks of just getting into a routine and getting to know each other. There is a long period of time when this little one can't talk back, be purposefully disrespectful or disobedient, get into every drawer... or move from the spot they were last left.

Older adopted child comes home to a place that's been sort of prepared to the best knowledge of the adoptive parent... who hasn't had much notice. Clothing and shoe sizes are an absolute surprise. As is what possessions they already have. Parents know there is a potential for some minor sleep disturbances- and are then surprised by the lack of sleep that happens because no one knows how this new child will sleep. The child comes into the home from past experiences with different rules, different foods, different expectations, different everything. It takes weeks of getting into a routine and getting to know each other. There is NO period of time in which this child cannot talk back, be purposefully disrespectful, get into every drawer, hide from the parents... or purposefully fart on the laps of whomever is holding him (and then laugh uncontrollably.) Instead of just teaching new "tricks", families spend a great deal of time trying to replace the old "tricks" with those that are more socially acceptable.

I'm so tired. It's all worth it. It's what I prayed for. I wouldn't change any of it. But I'm so tired. My brain is "on" all the time. I think I've reached my quota of decisions this week.

He's amazing. I love him. Even when he purposefully farts on my lap. He's perfect for our family. And it's hard work. 

Lessons

Oh, the lessons we have learned.

*Little man doesn't drink anything unless "strongly encouraged." He may decide he loves chocolate milk one day (and gulp it down like he's been living in the desert)... but the next day, well, he definitely doesn't like how that chocolate milk tastes and he's pretty sure he told us that already.

*Minecraft. It's important. Like... top priority sort of important. And if he has to take a break from it (which happens often), he's fairly certain it's a form of torture.

*Speaking of torture. If little man is angry with us or overwhelmed in a situation, he has the ability to shut down like nobody's business. It's impressive.

*He thinks "cow meat is disgusting", "cheese is gross", but asparagus is the best thing ever.

*He loves hugs and snuggles. He sleeps surrounded by stuffed animals to keep him company. He's pretty in love with his 'stuffies.'

*Watching one tv show all the way through appears to be another form of torture. He would prefer to fast forward and/or rewind repeatedly... or just skip on to a new show completely.

*He has a great memory. Maybe too good of a memory. He remembers every foster home, every caregiver, being taken away from his mom... the list is long. He even pointed out his old therapy location in West Salem on Saturday- a place he hasn't been in at least a year.

*He has my heart. Every "I love you, mom"... sigh.

Happily Ever After

Friends, have I told you lately that God is amazing?

He really does hear the cry of our hearts. He knew the perfect timing for adding a 3rd child to our family.

On Tuesday, we drove to K's foster home to meet him for the first time. Nerve wracking? Yeah. We had waited for that moment for a very.long.time. We pulled up and he was sitting out front with his caseworker- being a boy. He was digging holes in the mud. He was obviously very nervous and it took some time to make eye contact... but Steve amazed me and got right down on K's level. Once it was mentioned that we had Minecraft on our xbox, the world was perfect and K was ready to come to our house.

It didn't take long for him to call Steve 'Daddy'. Melt my heart! I was 'mom' not long after- but he's got a whole lot of people in his life with that title. He asked where "brother" was and wanted to play video games with his "sister." It was a wonderful evening.

And then it was time to drive him back to his foster home. That was hard. He wasn't happy about going back and got pretty angry.

Wednesday brought some more time together. I picked him up after he had a "goodbye meeting" with his mom and grandma. We went to the Gilbert house, out for lunch, and then off to visit his new school for a few minutes.

It was a wonderful afternoon and evening. Taking him back to his foster mom's was heartbreaking. And again... he was very angry about going back.

This afternoon I picked him up for good. I think his smile tells the entire story:

I got to cuddle that cute little guy as he fell asleep tonight. We read stories. We talked. He asked a million random questions to stall sleep just a little bit longer. And he told me that he loved me.


Now to sort through the 7 large garbage bags of stuff that came with him...

Attachment

Two more days!

If all goes as planned (I'm really tired of the *if* word), we'll be meeting our little guy for the first time on Tuesday. I can't imagine a better birthday present.

We're so excited... yet prepared for a rough transition. 

Imagine life from the view of this 6 year old boy:

*He's been in multiple homes over the last 4 years.

*He is meeting a family he doesn't know exists yet.

*He'll be leaving the foster home he's been in for the last year.

*He will have a period of time with little contact with his grandmother- who happens to be the only person he's currently attached to.

*He'll be coming into a home with new rules, new routines, new foods, new toys, etc.

*He'll have a dad for the first time ever.

*He will be coming to a church full of people who know of him... yet he knows no one.

*He'll be meeting extended family~ new grandparents, new aunts and uncles and cousins.

*He'll be showered with attention from a whole bunch of people

It's going to be overwhelming for him. He already struggles with some attachment issues based on the number of moves he's made, and now he's being asked to start an entirely new life yet again. It won't be easy on him, but we have a few requests that may make life a bit easier for our family.

Some requests from us:

*It's important that we are his main caregivers. If he's hurt, sick, sad, angry, etc, it's incredibly important that we are the ones to comfort him for the next little while. He needs to learn that we are here to care for him.

*He's going to grieve the loss of the life he knows. He's going to throw some tantrums. It's going to be hard. Please walk beside us and pray for us. It's will probably be a rough road for a while.

*If you see him at church, the store, etc, over the next month, you are welcome to give him a high-five, introduce yourself, ask him questions about school, etc. Please be aware of how overwhelming his little life is. Too much attention from "strangers" may be scary for him. We've all prayed for him and talked about him and hoped for him... but he doesn't know any of us.

*Kaden may struggle with boundary issues- that's a common concern in older child adoption settings. We will be working on appropriate boundaries with "strangers." As much as many would like to wrap their arms around this little boy, we would like big hugs to just come from immediate family as he adjusts to us. 

If you have questions, please don't hesitate to ask us. We're pretty open in talking about our family. We're thankful that so many love this little guy!

Faith

I don't believe in coincidence.

It wasn't by chance that the judge who heard the case on Monday truly had Kaden's
best interest at heart.

It wasn't "fate" that the ruling was exactly what we hoped for but couldn't imagine being possible.

And it definitely wasn't coincidence that we waited all week for an answer... And an email with the answer was sent to our caseworker within 10 minutes of when I asked for prayer on Facebook. (Which I did right after being told not to count on hearing anything late on a Friday afternoon.)

And it's not "karma" or "the universe" who set it up so that I'll meet my son on Tuesday... My birthday.

God chose Kaden for us. That's been made abundantly clear. And God worked out all the details in such a beautiful way. Seriously. Friends, the judge asked that we have mediation with Kaden's grandma so she can have an ongoing place in his life. Yes, please!! An ongoing relationship has been our hope. I'm looking forward to sitting down with her. Kaden is incredibly attached to his grandma. And that's a good thing.

I expect a rough transition. This little guy has been moved a lot. And he has heard too much of what's been happening the last two weeks. But I trust that God got us this far for a reason. He knows the plans he has for us. He never promised easy or comfortable. But He did promise to always walk with us.

Waiting For You

We've looked at the pictures of MANY children over the last 1.5 years. After seeing Kaden's picture, the searching stopped. We were contacted about other kiddos, but K was the one who had our hearts... long before we knew much about him. If this doesn't work out, I don't see us pursuing another child.

I just went online to find his picture to look at again.  It's not there. This little guy is so close to having a family. His profile has been removed from the site where families can look at kids available for adoption.

We were supposed to hear an answer from the judge today. Our caseworker had to leave for an appointment at 3:45 this afternoon. Since she didn't hear an answer by that time, that leaves us without an answer for today. She said she will call first thing in the morning.

Just one more night of sleep waiting. We can do this.