A Christmas Wish

We had hopes of a little more "definite" news on the adoption of K, but wheels turn slowly (no surprise).  We do know that our home study is currently sitting on the supervisor's desk and waiting for approval to go to committee. Committee is the decision of the best family for each child between a maximum of 3 options.

We hope to hear more information next week, but until then, we continue to pray for a 6 year old boy who is in a foster home in Salem. When I let my heart think about how close he is.... it gets a little hard to breathe.

Dear K,

Merry Christmas, little man. I don't know if or when we'll ever get the opportunity to meet you face to face... and give you the biggest hugs ever... but we're praying for you. I mean that. We're praying for God's will in your life. We're praying for your safety. We're praying for your heart.

I hope you know love this Christmas. (And while I'll be ok with whatever God has planned, I'm really hoping you're in our home next Christmas. We're ready for you.)

Nesting?

I think I finally get it. I think I understand this whole cleaning at the end of a pregnancy thing!

It's possible that you reach the end of 9 months of waiting and you're at a point of zero control of what's happening to your body. You have to find something that you can control. Scrubbing, organizing, rearranging...it's something you can actually make a decision about.

That said: I'm cleaning and rearranging constantly lately. I even cleaned out the kitchen 'junk drawer.' People. I organized the masses of hot sauce and ketchup packets. There may be a problem.

This adoption thing is out of my control. Completely out of my control. I don't know if we'll get a call. I don't know when we'll get a call. I don't know what news that call will bring.

<insert scream here>

The honest truth?  I'm not sure my heart can go through this roller coaster again.

It's hard.

Yet I know it could be so incredibly worth it in the end.

Please pray for our little family and for 'K'. Even if he doesn't come into our family, I'm begging God to keep his heart safe.

Oh My Heart

We've requested information on many kids over the last few months. Some came with a bit more than we felt capable of dealing with. Others came with definite possibility... but a need for a whole lot more information. That's just how it goes when you're looking at adopting an older child who has already experienced a whole lot of life.

Fast forward to today. This marks the first time I've read the full history of a child and had absolutely no doubt that he would be a perfect fit for our family.

While we're still in for a long wait and I'm really fighting the urge to call the caseworker every 5 minutes and yell "Pick us! Pick us!", I'm hopeful. (Although I'm trying not to be too hopeful. It's a weird balance.)

Friends, please continue to pray for a little boy named K. I don't know if he'll be a part of our family, but this young man has a big piece of my heart.

Up and Down We Go

Where we'll stop, nobody knows!

The journey of adoption definitely isn't a straight line. It looks a bit more like:

Our requests for a child aren't too specific, but we definitely have some requests that are important to us: We would like a boy between the ages of 5 and 11. We're open to contact with biological family. We'd like to avoid extreme attachment disorders or disabilities. Bring on the ADHD- that doesn't phase us at all. There are a few behaviors that we would prefer not to bring into our home, but other than that, we're open to talking about most kids.


The process for Oregon is:
1. We browse lists of available kids and express interest in those that tug on our heart strings.
2. Our home study is then passed on to that child's caseworker who decides if we are a good match.
3. If it seems like a good match, we become one of three families that goes to "committee" for the child.  Committee consists of our caseworker, the child's caseworker, and select others who help make the best decision.
4. If our family is selected as the best choice, we then receive even more information about the child and have opportunity to make additional decisions.
5. If all goes well, the child comes into our home in a 'pre-adoptive' placement- which is approximately 6 months.
6. If we all survive the 6 months and the fit still seems like the right one, adoption takes place.

It sounds as though we may be going to committee on one of two potential children- at both ends of our age range. K is 6 and A is almost 12. My prayer is that God makes this decision abundantly clear for us... or takes it out of our hands completely. I'm not sure I could ever pick one child over another.

... And the waiting continues. Hopefully we'll know more next week (but I'm not going to get my hopes up on that one).

Hopeful

I'll be honest- it's been a while since I've felt very hopeful with the adoption process.

Two boys came up on the Oregon listing of available kids today. One is 6. The other is 11. They're both adorable and either one seems to be a good fit for our family.


So, friends, I'm asking you to help me with this whole 'hope' thing. Will you pray for our family... and for "E" and "K"- two sweet boys looking for forever families?


There's a little bit of hope floating in my heart.

Truth

The truth for today:

I'm discouraged.

In my heart of hearts, I know that God's timing is absolutely perfect. And I trust that. But, oh my goodness, the adoption process is threatening my sanity at times.

There are SO.MANY.KIDS who need a forever home. They're waiting. Dreaming. Wishing.

Our family is nowhere close to perfect, but I think we have a healthy home to offer another child.

And yet we wait.  It's been a year now. We still wait.  I look at website full of available kids every day. I've put in requests for kids from California, Florida, Idaho, Ohio, Washington, etc. It's a long list.

And we wait.

Child,
I don't know who you are or where you are... but we pray for you. We pray that you're safe and loved and fed right now. And we wait.

Daddy's Girl

This is an old blog post I wrote. I came across it today... and it was what I needed to read.



I spent way too long this morning searching through Google Images... trying to find the picture that's been stuck in my brain for the last year.  Apparently this picture only exists in my head.  The funny thing about that is that I'm mental-image-handicapped.  I typically can't picture anything in my head at all. (annoying!)

A little boy, in a well-worn baseball uniform, is sitting on a bench.

I'm thinking it wasn't his best game ever- he looks a bit disappointed in himself.

His dad is standing behind him with his hands on the boy's shoulders.

Dad's expression says, "This is my child... and I'm so proud of him."

I have referred to God as my "Heavenly Father" for years- but it never settled well in my heart.  I'm so very thankful for the image that He has stamped on the forefront of my brain. 

 "You are my child.... and I'm so proud of you."

I won't drop you.

I adore you.

I have plans for you that you can't even begin to imagine.

I'll walk beside you on your journey...

and I'll never, ever let go.

I will always have time for you.

I am so proud of you.

Now relax, my child.

Stop worrying.

This world isn't yours to fix.

You are not a disappointment to me.

You are mine.

And I love you.

My Heart

Louisiana
California
Ohio
Florida
Tennessee
Missouri

Ages 8, 9, 10, 11

Devonte, Jeremiah, Tyrell

I've been looking at kids online until my eyes are crossed. There are SO.MANY.  There's a website that allows you to specify exactly what you're looking for- down to level of emotional, physical, behavioral disabilities. And then it spits out this list of children. Our requests are fairly specific and narrow... and the list of available children across the U.S. is huge. It tells me just enough information to decide if I'm interested in more. So far, the "more" has led us to not pursue those children any further.

And that breaks my heart. I hate saying no- even though I know it's for the best. There are some behaviors that we just aren't equipped to deal with.

There's a bed upstairs that's ready for a little boy. I want it filled- even though I know in my heart that God's timing is perfect. I'm realizing lately that I'm very sensitive the the word "adoption" or the adoption stories of others. Why them and not us? (yes, I can be a bit of a baby whiner.)

Lord, please keep my son safe. I don't know who he is or where he lives... but you do. Hold him close until I can, please.

Warning: Honesty Overload

Continue reading at your own risk. For some reason I feel comfortable sharing my heart here... So you may get more of my emotions than you bargained for.

After many attempts, today finally brought a phone call with the caseworker of Gabe II. I wasn't surprised by what she had to say after our Skype meeting was abruptly canceled last month. This young man is having a rough time with the idea of adoption. He is acting out in response to the anxiety he's feeling and is running through a grief cycle that is spinning out of control. His caseworker doesn't even want to mention adoption to him at this time until his mind and heart slow down a little.

I prayed that something would move forward or the door would close completely. I felt like that door was closed while we were having our conversation today.

And maybe the door is closed.

But I don't think so.

I'm a thousand times more convinced now than ever that this boy is meant to be a part of our family. It's out of my hands... But holy cow poo, Batman, I'm praying hard for him. He doesn't know it yet. And I'm not sure if his case worker knows it yet. But God has plans for this boy and I'm going to beg God until He tells me to stop or shows me another plan.

A Moment of Honesty

I try hard to stay positive and hopeful... but there are moments when I just need to be real.

This is one of those moments.

School started today. I love my kids and I love spending time with them- but I get my energy from moments alone. This is my first time alone in the house for more than an hour in months. My heart needed today.

My heart is a bit discouraged. It's silly, really. We all know adoptions can take an extended period of time... but there was hope that the extra bed would be filled by the time school started. It was a hope and a really big dream. School started today and the bed is empty. That dream just didn't come true. There have been a couple possibilities of boys that we've had to say no to. That hurts my heart even more.

I know God has a plan that will amaze me. He always does. But at this very moment- if I'm being real and honest- this waiting feels a whole lot like the infertility I already spent way too many years dealing with. It's a feeling I didn't like then and I sure don't like it any more now.


Lord, I don't know who he is or where he is. But please protect his heart until he comes home.

(I really am ok. I just needed to share my heart.)

The Hardest Part

Patience.  It keeps coming back to patience.

It took patience to get pregnant with Sierra.

We waited and hoped for years for a second child... until Gabe appeared out of no where.

And now we wait again.

This adoption stuff is hard!  I know that there are thousands of kids in need of a forever family. I think that's what makes this hardest on my heart. I want to bring this child home now-- yet there's a process... there's overworked caseworkers... there's rules and regulations... There isn't a 'hurry' anywhere else.

We expected to have an initial "meeting" via skype with a young man in the Seattle area. I waited and waited for the call on Thursday. (And yes, I even tested my phone to make sure it was working.) I'm still not sure exactly what went wrong, but his caseworker said he had a lot of questions and it didn't seem like an appropriate time. Then she mentioned something about an aunt that she needed to do some research on.

My heart is heavy.  Yes, I know I need to have more patience. I get that. But it's more than just the patience part. My heart is longing for this child we've been praying for. I don't know who he is... but he already belongs here. I need him to be home and safe.

*sigh* One day at a time.

One Step Forward

On Thursday, we will (hopefully) be having a skype conversation with a 10 year old boy who lives in the Seattle area. Out of the kids we've looked at and considered, he definitely tugs on my heart the most.

Ready to be entertained?

....

His name is Gabe.

The following will probably only make sense to those over the age of 35ish:

I picture Sierra meeting new people and saying, "Hi. I'm Sierra. This is my brother Gabe. And this is my other brother Gabe."

(Never doubt God's sense of humor.)

Stepping Out

Almost 16 years ago, a beautiful, dramatic, smart, curly-haired girl made us parents.

8 years ago, a funny, active, smart, brown-eyed, 5 year old boy entered our family.

And we thought we were complete. Done. Finito. No more children.

I believe God laughed at that idea... He has this way of rearranging the best of plans.  We feel that it's time to become a family of 5. (Well, maybe 6. But probably just 5.  Is God laughing again?)

We took adoption classes through the state of Oregon and completed our home study. We were given access to a website with all of the kids available for adoption in Oregon. There are currently 91 kids listed on the website. The problem? Out of 91, the 4 boys between the ages of 5 and 11 have physical and mental needs far beyond what we can handle. If we were up for adopting a family of 4 or 5 children, we'd have plenty to choose from.

Enter Discouragement.

We took a peek at the children available across the rest of the U.S. and were amazed at how many there are.  So.many.boys. We requested information on a couple of them and quickly realized that other states are in a much different situation than Oregon. They're overflowing with children who need adoptive families.

And then the slight kink in the plans hits yet again. Adoption through the foster care system in Oregon is free. There's even ongoing financial support available with the adoption of an older or 'special needs' child. Adopting outside of Oregon is not so free. While I don't believe the expenses will be anywhere close to the cost of an overseas adoption, there will be legal fees and travel costs that will come into play.

Since that's not in our plan... and God seems to be opening that door... He must have a plan to take care of the expenses.

If you'd like to help get this sweet boy (whomever he may be) home to a family who will love him forever, we've set up a link for donations toward the adoption expenses.

But more than that... please pray that a) We would hear God clearly  and b) This future member of our family would be safe until we find him.

Thank you, friends.