The P Word

Patience may be a virtue... but I'm not so sure it's one of MY virtues.

The judge didn't rule from the bench today. A ruling will be made by Wednesday.

If I'm going to be honest, I'd kinda like to throw up.

I know the end of the story is beautiful- whatever it may be- but I'm not loving the current chapter.

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We just returned from a short trip to Seattle. The kids went to Emerald City Comicon and I attended the Northwest Ministry Conference. (yes, two VERY different experiences.) It's possible my kids were born in the wrong decade. They both prefer 70's and 80's music. There is much singing along from the backseat with Steve Miller Band, Billy Joel, etc.

I have a whole big bunch of peace about Monday's court hearing. I think the main difference is that it doesn't feel even the tiniest bit personal. The decision is between DHS and grandmother... no part of it depends on how "good" we are as a family. I have zero control over what happens at this point. That doesn't mean I won't be heartbroken if the judge decides to give custody to his grandmother, but the process seems a bit easier.

While I have peace, I'm very ready for a decision to be made. The waiting is hard.

Please pray for wisdom for the judge on Monday. The hearing starts at 10am. I would give a whole lot to be a fly on the wall in that court room.

A Day to Remember

Such an emotional day! I'm not a patient person on the best of days...

The call came right after 4pm.

It's a BOY!

Our family was chosen for a sweet little 6 year old- the little guy that we've prayed for since October. (It's become known as the 'adoption situation.' )

We have one more big hurdle to get through before we can TRULY celebrate. Monday, at 10am, there will be a court hearing between this little guy's grandmother and DHS. Grandmother wants custody. DHS doesn't seem to feel that's the best choice. We're praying hard that the judge sees the truth in the situation and picks the best home for this little guy.

Until then... He has my whole heart.

Sweetly Broken

It's a little bit hard to breathe this morning. 

(Actually, I'm anxious enough that I think I'll limit further coffee intake. That says a lot.)

I tried to make plans to fill up my day and keep me moving.

The rain messed with most of those.

Instead I'm surrounding myself with the music that blesses my heart.

One song of hope and grace after another.

Committee starts at 1pm and should be over by 4pm.

Thank you for being patient with me through all of this.

It has been a hard road...

But God has been amazing.

No matter how the story ends, 

it will end beautifully.

Attachment

If you know someone who has adopted a child (especially an older child or a child who has spent some of life in an orphanage), give them an extra hug and tell them that they're doing a good job.

Bringing a child into your family after they've experienced abandonment is hard. It's worth it... but it's hard. There are attachment issues to work through. They're exhausting and frustrating and hurtful.... and worth it.

I've heard this song many times before, but last night, someone compared it to the attachment concerns of an adoptive child. 9 years ago, we had a little guy in our home who could have written this song. I had so few tools and so little preparation for the attachment process that we were about to experience. It's only through God (in my opinion) that we made it through the first couple of years.

"I hope that you see right through my walls." I hope we have the opportunity to form an amazing attachment with a new little guy. Four days.

One Week Remaining

Truth: I'm in a very weird, uncomfortable place in my brain and heart. It's not a bad place. It has taught me a lot. But I am more than ready to move from this place.

I'm not sure I can fully explain all the things that run through my mind each day. I do trust my Jesus. I know that the plan for our family is the perfect one. I can grasp that there is a much bigger picture that I can't see right now. I trust Him. He loves me. He loves my family. And He loves precious K. I really do trust Him.

And at the same time, I'm in this space that leaves me without words to say to my Jesus. I don't know what to pray. Prayer, for me, is a constant conversation. I'm talking to God all the time. (And yes, I know that my non-Christian friends are currently wondering about my sanity.) But when it comes to talking about the current situation with K, I don't have words. I know what my heart is longing for. I know what my perfect scenario looks like. I know what I want. I know how I want this story to end. Yet, I'm afraid to pray about my desires. I'm scared that it sounds selfish to beg God for what I want. Is that somehow telling Him what to do?  See! It's a weird place to be.

I said before that I was going to pray specifically. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I know that I need to be specific again. He already knows the desires of my heart. He's not going to be surprised when I talk to Him about them.

Did you read that? 'May God grant your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans."

But that's not the best part! Granting my heart's desire would be fabulous. I would love to have all my plans fulfilled. Yet that's not the part of those verses that catches my eye. It's the part in the middle. 'May we shout for JOY when we hear of your victory... flying banners to honor God.'

I don't know what will happen a week from tomorrow. It scares me. My heart is so attached to this little boy that I've never met. Lord, I LOVE HIM. When I think about K, it's hard to catch my breath. There's a place saved for him in our family. His bed is ready.

And if the Lord chooses to answer my heart's desire and fulfill all my plans for K, I hope my friends will join me in shouting for JOY and honoring God for what HE has done.

*Another moment of truth: If the answer is no, my heart is going to hurt. While I know it's God's will, that doesn't change the feeling of loss that I am already preparing myself for. It won't change my faith. But it will hurt. Please be gentle with me if things go that direction. I'll still be honoring God for what He has chosen for our family, but I will also be seeking His comfort.*

Ups and Downs

I have waited MONTHS to sign in and see the status change from 'available' to 'on-hold'! It makes all of this just a little bit more real.

And after months of seeing this picture every time I sign in:

It sure is nice to know that there appears to be an end in sight.

The current timeline:

March 25th: Committee- This happens with every adoption from foster care. The state picks up to 3 families that they feel are a good fit for the child. Caseworkers for each family sit with the caseworker of the child for a 4ish hour conversation to make a decision on the best fit. If our family is selected at Committee, then we will go on to a second round that isn't the norm.

March 31st: Round 2. K's Grandmother has her day in court. If the court rules against her, K can go into his adoptive placement ASAP.

Confused? Me too. It's a roller coaster and we're just along for the ride.