My Heart

Louisiana
California
Ohio
Florida
Tennessee
Missouri

Ages 8, 9, 10, 11

Devonte, Jeremiah, Tyrell

I've been looking at kids online until my eyes are crossed. There are SO.MANY.  There's a website that allows you to specify exactly what you're looking for- down to level of emotional, physical, behavioral disabilities. And then it spits out this list of children. Our requests are fairly specific and narrow... and the list of available children across the U.S. is huge. It tells me just enough information to decide if I'm interested in more. So far, the "more" has led us to not pursue those children any further.

And that breaks my heart. I hate saying no- even though I know it's for the best. There are some behaviors that we just aren't equipped to deal with.

There's a bed upstairs that's ready for a little boy. I want it filled- even though I know in my heart that God's timing is perfect. I'm realizing lately that I'm very sensitive the the word "adoption" or the adoption stories of others. Why them and not us? (yes, I can be a bit of a baby whiner.)

Lord, please keep my son safe. I don't know who he is or where he lives... but you do. Hold him close until I can, please.

Warning: Honesty Overload

Continue reading at your own risk. For some reason I feel comfortable sharing my heart here... So you may get more of my emotions than you bargained for.

After many attempts, today finally brought a phone call with the caseworker of Gabe II. I wasn't surprised by what she had to say after our Skype meeting was abruptly canceled last month. This young man is having a rough time with the idea of adoption. He is acting out in response to the anxiety he's feeling and is running through a grief cycle that is spinning out of control. His caseworker doesn't even want to mention adoption to him at this time until his mind and heart slow down a little.

I prayed that something would move forward or the door would close completely. I felt like that door was closed while we were having our conversation today.

And maybe the door is closed.

But I don't think so.

I'm a thousand times more convinced now than ever that this boy is meant to be a part of our family. It's out of my hands... But holy cow poo, Batman, I'm praying hard for him. He doesn't know it yet. And I'm not sure if his case worker knows it yet. But God has plans for this boy and I'm going to beg God until He tells me to stop or shows me another plan.

A Moment of Honesty

I try hard to stay positive and hopeful... but there are moments when I just need to be real.

This is one of those moments.

School started today. I love my kids and I love spending time with them- but I get my energy from moments alone. This is my first time alone in the house for more than an hour in months. My heart needed today.

My heart is a bit discouraged. It's silly, really. We all know adoptions can take an extended period of time... but there was hope that the extra bed would be filled by the time school started. It was a hope and a really big dream. School started today and the bed is empty. That dream just didn't come true. There have been a couple possibilities of boys that we've had to say no to. That hurts my heart even more.

I know God has a plan that will amaze me. He always does. But at this very moment- if I'm being real and honest- this waiting feels a whole lot like the infertility I already spent way too many years dealing with. It's a feeling I didn't like then and I sure don't like it any more now.


Lord, I don't know who he is or where he is. But please protect his heart until he comes home.

(I really am ok. I just needed to share my heart.)