A friend asked me if others know what life is like for us right now. While I don't want to share the story that belongs to her, I realized that maybe I need to be more honest with where we're at.
So here it goes.
Today we went for an assessment for A. One of the questions made me really stop and think about where we are currently.
"On a scale of 1 to 4 - 1 being you feel completely supported as a family and 4 being you're ready to call DHS and ask them to come pick up A, where are you?"
I won't tell you our answer, but I'll tell you it wasn't a 1.
Life is hard in our home right now. Harder than I could ever share with the world ...probably harder than anyone could understand unless they've been in this situation.
We still have hope. We see glimpses of beautiful things to come. We are committed and we are determined.
.
.
.
But we're also very tired.
Our road to our second adoption... one deep breath at a time.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Thursday, August 10, 2017
She Matters, Too
She is worthy.
She is wanted.
She is loved.
She is beautiful.
I can't say that I ever imagined a day when I would be picking up my child(ren)'s birth mom and taking her to an important meeting with the people who are ensuring the safety of her youngest child.
I never imagined holding her hand as she shared openly about her current addictions and her confusion and her lifestyle.
I never imagined feeling the amount of grace and mercy and love for her that I do.
Because, while her children obviously matter to me a ton...
She matters, too.
Today was the starting point of figuring out what comes next. There are hard decisions to be made and a great deal of work that needs to be done, but we took a first step today. Hopefully a step that leads to permanency for her children and health for her.
Hopefully.
I've been asked 3 times now if we could just adopt her, too.
And 3 times I've answered that plea the same way:
You are family. And we love you.
She is wanted.
She is loved.
She is beautiful.
I can't say that I ever imagined a day when I would be picking up my child(ren)'s birth mom and taking her to an important meeting with the people who are ensuring the safety of her youngest child.
I never imagined holding her hand as she shared openly about her current addictions and her confusion and her lifestyle.
I never imagined feeling the amount of grace and mercy and love for her that I do.
Because, while her children obviously matter to me a ton...
She matters, too.
Today was the starting point of figuring out what comes next. There are hard decisions to be made and a great deal of work that needs to be done, but we took a first step today. Hopefully a step that leads to permanency for her children and health for her.
Hopefully.
I've been asked 3 times now if we could just adopt her, too.
And 3 times I've answered that plea the same way:
You are family. And we love you.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Here We Are Again
I haven't used this space since K's adoption was finalized.
It didn't seem like a spot I needed.
But here we are again. And people have questions that I can't post all over the interwebs.
So here it goes...
We weren't planning to add another child. There was a brief conversation about it last year, but we decided it wasn't the best idea at that point in time. The piles of application paperwork were tucked away.
Our 3- unless a child was dropped on our doorstep. That has always been the exception.
We have kept an open relationship with K's birth family. We've had ongoing visits, phone calls, texts, etc. Part of that birth family is a little sister- A. While they haven't seen each other that often, they have an incredibly close bond. There are a bunch of other half siblings around, but A is the only one that K has a significant attachment to.
Around Christmas, we began to notice some behavior changes in the birth family. It was obvious that something was going on, so we limited visits and contact until we could figure out what it was. As time progressed, we heard comments that indicated that A was not receiving the best of care.
Between March and April, our home had some conversations about what it would look like if we were asked to take her. It was increasingly clear that she probably wouldn't be able to stay in the home.
...
On a Saturday night in May, we got a call from extended family asking us to come and pick A up. Some really ugly things were happening, and she needed to be elsewhere for her safety. With the help of DHS, we came to an agreement that we would pick her up on Monday and have her for a 10 day safety plan while things got reorganized in her home.
As many of you know, it has now been 70 days and she has not left. At the end of that safety plan, she was placed with us as a foster care placement.
...
While I would like to be able to say that things are getting better with the birth family, they are currently far worse. There are no plans for A to return home in the near future, if at all.
It has been a beautiful and incredibly difficult 70 days. Trauma is hard... and there is plenty of it in our home. We're thankful for the grace that people have offered us as we do the next best thing every single day.
It didn't seem like a spot I needed.
But here we are again. And people have questions that I can't post all over the interwebs.
So here it goes...
We weren't planning to add another child. There was a brief conversation about it last year, but we decided it wasn't the best idea at that point in time. The piles of application paperwork were tucked away.
Our 3- unless a child was dropped on our doorstep. That has always been the exception.
We have kept an open relationship with K's birth family. We've had ongoing visits, phone calls, texts, etc. Part of that birth family is a little sister- A. While they haven't seen each other that often, they have an incredibly close bond. There are a bunch of other half siblings around, but A is the only one that K has a significant attachment to.
Around Christmas, we began to notice some behavior changes in the birth family. It was obvious that something was going on, so we limited visits and contact until we could figure out what it was. As time progressed, we heard comments that indicated that A was not receiving the best of care.
Between March and April, our home had some conversations about what it would look like if we were asked to take her. It was increasingly clear that she probably wouldn't be able to stay in the home.
...
On a Saturday night in May, we got a call from extended family asking us to come and pick A up. Some really ugly things were happening, and she needed to be elsewhere for her safety. With the help of DHS, we came to an agreement that we would pick her up on Monday and have her for a 10 day safety plan while things got reorganized in her home.
As many of you know, it has now been 70 days and she has not left. At the end of that safety plan, she was placed with us as a foster care placement.
...
While I would like to be able to say that things are getting better with the birth family, they are currently far worse. There are no plans for A to return home in the near future, if at all.
It has been a beautiful and incredibly difficult 70 days. Trauma is hard... and there is plenty of it in our home. We're thankful for the grace that people have offered us as we do the next best thing every single day.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
I'm One of THOSE People
I rarely cry. Like... Maybe twice a year. There are times I would like to cry, but tears just don't flow that easily for me.
But this stage in life appears to be different. Tears. Constant tears. I never understood you people that could cry at a Hallmark commercial. I haven't seen one of those commercials recently, but I cry at every video posted on FB. I could cry now just thinking about the idea of watching a video on FB.
It's horrible.
And I think I've figured out a part of it. Adoption is hard. Oh friends, it's beautiful and worth it and better than you could imagine... But it's hard. We knew that the adoption of an older child would be tough... I can say now that there is much I wasn't prepared for. And I think those experiences are where the constant tears are coming from.
I could give this little guy the world and it wouldn't be enough right now.
If he's in trouble, he tells me that he misses his grandma.
If he doesn't get what he wants, he says he'll call his grandma and tell on me.
If we've had an amazing day together, he tells me that he misses his mom as he falls asleep.
Of course he does! They're his family. He loves them and most definitely misses them. But my heart is human and it cuts me to the core every single time. My brain knows I'm doing the "right" things, but my heart doesn't feel good enough.
It's hard right now. Two steps forward, one giant step back. (And knowing that I have to be the grown up... That stinks!)
There's a retreat for adoptive mamas this fall. The money isn't in the budget right now, but I WILL find a way to be there. It's way out of my introvert comfort zone to go, but I need to be where others understand my heart.
This too shall pass,., right?
But this stage in life appears to be different. Tears. Constant tears. I never understood you people that could cry at a Hallmark commercial. I haven't seen one of those commercials recently, but I cry at every video posted on FB. I could cry now just thinking about the idea of watching a video on FB.
It's horrible.
And I think I've figured out a part of it. Adoption is hard. Oh friends, it's beautiful and worth it and better than you could imagine... But it's hard. We knew that the adoption of an older child would be tough... I can say now that there is much I wasn't prepared for. And I think those experiences are where the constant tears are coming from.
I could give this little guy the world and it wouldn't be enough right now.
If he's in trouble, he tells me that he misses his grandma.
If he doesn't get what he wants, he says he'll call his grandma and tell on me.
If we've had an amazing day together, he tells me that he misses his mom as he falls asleep.
Of course he does! They're his family. He loves them and most definitely misses them. But my heart is human and it cuts me to the core every single time. My brain knows I'm doing the "right" things, but my heart doesn't feel good enough.
It's hard right now. Two steps forward, one giant step back. (And knowing that I have to be the grown up... That stinks!)
There's a retreat for adoptive mamas this fall. The money isn't in the budget right now, but I WILL find a way to be there. It's way out of my introvert comfort zone to go, but I need to be where others understand my heart.
This too shall pass,., right?
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Oh the Drama
Oh my heart.
Today was rough.
I received a phone call this morning from K's paternal grandmother. This is the first time I've heard from her. From my understanding, she never sought custody of K, although she has adopted his slightly older sister.
Her phone call today went a little something like this:
"No one told me that his grandmother wasn't allowed to adopt him. Had I known that, I would have adopted him myself. I'm not threatening you or anything, but I want you to know that I can go to DHS and fight for custody." That non-threat was repeated multiple times.
In the end, I think she was just trying to make sure we would allow her to continue to have contact with him in the future. I don't know.
This afternoon was his birthday family with his biological family. His paternal grandmother was there... and repeated much of what she said on the phone. She spent no time with K and left without saying goodbye to him.... and she was also extremely drunk and loud the entire time.
Awkward.
I'm thankful my little man has a whole bunch of family that loves him. But I can't say I ever expected the drama that would involve.
Today was rough.
I received a phone call this morning from K's paternal grandmother. This is the first time I've heard from her. From my understanding, she never sought custody of K, although she has adopted his slightly older sister.
Her phone call today went a little something like this:
"No one told me that his grandmother wasn't allowed to adopt him. Had I known that, I would have adopted him myself. I'm not threatening you or anything, but I want you to know that I can go to DHS and fight for custody." That non-threat was repeated multiple times.
In the end, I think she was just trying to make sure we would allow her to continue to have contact with him in the future. I don't know.
This afternoon was his birthday family with his biological family. His paternal grandmother was there... and repeated much of what she said on the phone. She spent no time with K and left without saying goodbye to him.... and she was also extremely drunk and loud the entire time.
Awkward.
I'm thankful my little man has a whole bunch of family that loves him. But I can't say I ever expected the drama that would involve.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Not a Walk in the Park
It's been a while since I've posted. We've all been trying to keep our heads above water with a crazy, busy summer and all of the adjustment stuff that happens with a new child in any family. In most ways, it's been much easier than I anticipated. In other ways, it's been rougher.
Easier... K fits right into our home. He can toss out sarcasm with the best of them, he keeps us moving, he sleeps great, he eats well, and he bathes without complaint. He has a million questions about everything, loves Minecraft, enjoys snuggles, does really well academically, and adores his older siblings.He loves Minecraft, is kind to the cat, and keeps a zoo of stuffed animals on his bed. He's incredibly organized, picks up his toys without being told, and does great in the car. He's smart, funny, and looks so much like Gabe.
Harder... Attachment. I knew we would have issues, but I had no idea how difficult they would be. The first two months were a beautiful honeymoon period. There were little problems here and there, but nothing of any major significance. That changed. 8 foster homes in 3.5 years apparently does a lot to a little heart.We're just another stop in the road for him. He's actually been able to verbalize "Maybe if I'm bad enough, DHS will move me to my grandma's house." Sad. And heartbreaking. Visits with his biological family are hard (more for me than for him, I think. He pushes me away when it comes to visits.)
I need a little help from my friends. If K asks if he can call you mom, please say no. If he asks if you can be his mom for a little while, please say no. If he asks if he can be a part of your family or come live with you, please say no. If he asks you for help with things (from opening a package to blowing his nose to buttoning his pants), please send him to ask us if at all possible. I know there will be times we aren't around, and if that's the case, PLEASE help him. But when we are around, he needs to continue learning to come to us.
Hugs are welcome if he initiates them. Kindness is, as well. Talk to him, ask him questions, get to know him... all of that is good. We just need assistance with teaching K what boundaries are. He has little concept of family and what that really means.
Zero regrets... just a whole lot of learning.
Easier... K fits right into our home. He can toss out sarcasm with the best of them, he keeps us moving, he sleeps great, he eats well, and he bathes without complaint. He has a million questions about everything, loves Minecraft, enjoys snuggles, does really well academically, and adores his older siblings.He loves Minecraft, is kind to the cat, and keeps a zoo of stuffed animals on his bed. He's incredibly organized, picks up his toys without being told, and does great in the car. He's smart, funny, and looks so much like Gabe.
Harder... Attachment. I knew we would have issues, but I had no idea how difficult they would be. The first two months were a beautiful honeymoon period. There were little problems here and there, but nothing of any major significance. That changed. 8 foster homes in 3.5 years apparently does a lot to a little heart.We're just another stop in the road for him. He's actually been able to verbalize "Maybe if I'm bad enough, DHS will move me to my grandma's house." Sad. And heartbreaking. Visits with his biological family are hard (more for me than for him, I think. He pushes me away when it comes to visits.)
I need a little help from my friends. If K asks if he can call you mom, please say no. If he asks if you can be his mom for a little while, please say no. If he asks if he can be a part of your family or come live with you, please say no. If he asks you for help with things (from opening a package to blowing his nose to buttoning his pants), please send him to ask us if at all possible. I know there will be times we aren't around, and if that's the case, PLEASE help him. But when we are around, he needs to continue learning to come to us.
Hugs are welcome if he initiates them. Kindness is, as well. Talk to him, ask him questions, get to know him... all of that is good. We just need assistance with teaching K what boundaries are. He has little concept of family and what that really means.
Zero regrets... just a whole lot of learning.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Onward and Upward
We're 5 weeks in and we're all still alive! It's actually been a much easier transition so far than I ever imagined. Yes, he has his moments. Funny thing is... I have my moments, as well. He's been in a couple of time outs. I've been in a couple of time outs.
We've been to the zoo, the aquarium, Enchanted Forest... We've had some fun times together.
The next step in the process is mediation with his biological family. It's harder than I was prepared for... and prayers are definitely appreciated. I want the decisions to be based on Kaden's best interest and not what anyone else is wanting.
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